I was also determined to have a healthier relationship with my body. You would see everything: The good, the bad, the poop. There would be no panning away to a tree. I already knew I wanted to explore gay sex in Special but Call Me By Your Name lit a fire. Read more: How Queer as Folk Became the Defining Gay TV Show of a Generation-Twice
If I did, maybe I wouldn’t have spent 10 years being celibate and now, at the age of 35, feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up. I now know that such accidents are common and it has nothing to do with your physical abilities. I ended up not having sex for a decade partially because I was scared of what would happen the next time. There was no literature, no TV, or movies to turn to. I remember thinking that something was wrong with me, that perhaps this had to do with my cerebral palsy and I wasn’t able to have sex like the rest of my able-bodied peers.
TIME is trying to escort me off the premises.) Mortified, I tried to Google “anal sex accident” but it was 2004-the era of Ask Jeeves-and Jeeves could not or WOULD NOT go there. When I wrote a scene in Season 2 of Special where my boyfriend defecates on me during intercourse (can I write that sentence in TIME?), I was writing that scene for 17-year-old me, who lost his virginity and actually did sh-t on his boyfriend in the process. Here’s how I can make sense of it: I write things that will act as a balm for a younger version of me.
